Gugur

Menyaksikanmu adalah perih yang membayang dan rasuk yang meradang. Tanganmu membakar segenggam buluh api dengan kementahan kelam, mencacah sekuntum hujan. Dan anggukan akhirmu yang menenggelamkan jingkat-jingkat getar.

"I can see a fireside turn blue, I can see a lot of life in you."

Koja

Kita mengernyit, ini tak sesederhana biasanya. Kita begitu terbiasa dengan dorongan lugas untuk berpihak, membela, memiliki, kasihan, marah, dan hal-hal manusiawi lainnya. Pada hari-hari hitam-putih kita menjentik memilah kami dan mereka, memasakki -mu, -ku, dan -nya. Di tengah momen-momen optimis kita suka berdiskursus tentang sama dan beda, tesis dan antitesis, pun sekuat tenaga kita menghindar dari premis salah dan benar.

Tapi tidak senja ini. Senja ini memerankan gagalnya kita untuk mengabaikan kemelekatan, yang jangan-jangan memang tidak mungkin dilakukan. Jangan-jangan kemampuan untuk melepaskan memang pada akhirnya bukanlah hal yang manusiawi.

Maka pertanyaan "mengapa kita tidak berkelakuan selayaknya manusia?" mungkin tak lagi valid. Bisa jadi yang kini hakiki adalah mempertanyakan kapan kita bisa berhenti menjadi manusia.

"You as yours, me as mine, two before we were us."

-Tori Amos

what will grow crooked you can't make straight

*from Thom Yorke's Black Swan

I’d now say that it goes the same way, vice versa. Awkward moments circumscribed the spree. Nonetheless I suppose it’s merely another assertion how there are those who better learn from oblivion, gather the nothingness, and thus originate (or come across) existence (and co-existence). I left with bucket of paints to be splashed on, forgetting that the only canvas I was about to encounter was an eternal sunshine on the spotless mind.
Perceptions are unconscious inferences. The way solitude is consciously remarked, accordingly, is somewhat a sundry.

Parr-à-pluie

Je te tiens,
chaudement dans mes bras.
Écoute la pluie qui frappe
sur les fenêtres.
J'ai perdu
la puissance de la solitude,
l'invincibilité de l'homme sans coeur.
Maintenant j'ai peur.
À cause de toi,
je suis faible comme dans un rêve
de la douceur de mon avenir
avec toi.
Je te tiens,
chaudement,
c'est mieux, n'est-ce pas?
Et au dehors il fait froid.
Pourquoi tu pars?


[midnight drivel. sorry to disturb you, oxygen.]

inside

there are times when i believe in sounds


Inside the doors are sealed to love/Inside my heart is sleeping/Inside the fingers of my glove/Inside the bones of my right hand/Inside it's colder than the stars/Inside the dogs are weeping/Inside the circus of the wind/Inside the clocks are filled with sand/Inside she'll never hurt me/Inside the winter's creeping/Inside the compass of the night/Inside the folding of the land/
Outside the stars are turning/Outside the world's still burning/
Inside my head's a box of stars I never dared to open/Inside the wounded hide their scars, inside this lonesome sparrow's fall/Inside the songs of our defeat, they sing of treaties broken/Inside this army's in retreat, we hide beneath the thunder's call/
Outside the rain keeps falling/Outside the drums are calling/Outside the flood won't wait/Outside they're hammering down the gate/
Love is the child of an endless war/Love is an open wound still raw/Love is a shameless banner unfurled/Love's an explosion, Love is the fire of the world/Love is a violent star/A tide of destruction/Love is an angry scar/A violation, a mutilation, capitulation, love is annihilation./
Inside the failures of the light, the night is wrapped around me/Inside my eyes deny their sight, you'd never find me in this place/Inside we're hidden from the moonlight, we shift between the shadows/Inside the compass of the night,/ inside the memory of your face/
Outside the walls are shaking/
Inside the dogs are waking/
Outside the hurricane won't wait/
Inside they're howling down the gate/
I climb this tower inside my head/A spiral stair above my bed/I dream the stairs don't ask me why,/I throw myself into the sky/
Love me like a baby, love me like an only child/Love me like an ocean, love me like a mother mild/Love me like a father, love me like a prodigal son/Love me like a sister, love me like the world has just begun/Love me like a prodigy, love me like an idiot boy,/Love me like an innocent, love me like your favorite toy/Love me like a virgin, love me like a courtesan,/Love me like a sinner, love me like a dying man./
Annihilate me, infiltrate me, incinerate me, accelerate me, mutilate me,inundate me, violate me, implicate me, vindicate me, devastate me/
Love me like a parasite, love me like a dying sun/Love me like a criminal, love me like a man on the run/
Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me, demarcate me, educate me,punctuate me, evaluate me, conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliateme, segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me


late night pondering, San Francisco

first week of walking home

Nothing here to fear I'm just sitting around being foolish when there is work to be done Just a hang-up call and the quiet breathing of our Persian we call Cajun on a Wednesday so we go from year to year with secrets we've been keeping Though you say you're not a Templar man Seems as if we're circling for very different reasons But one day the Eagle has to land Out past the fountain a left by the station I start the day in the usual way Then think -- well why not -- and stop for a coffee then began to recall things that you say No one's at the door You suggest a ghost perhaps a phantom I agree with this in part Something is with us I can't put my finger on -- is Thumbalina size-10 on a Wednesday? -- so we go. you tell me to cheer up you suspect we're oddly even Even still the Eagle has to land Out past the fountain. Pluck up the courage and snap it's gone again I start humming 'When Doves cry' Can someone help me I think that I'm lost here

Lost in a place called America